Move aside lawyers, court journalists, and domestic abuse specialists. There’s a new legal commentator in town – and it’s your male friend who punches tables when he’s had a few too many drinks.
Unlike traditional legal experts, this type of man will not be restrained by such petty ideas as ‘prejudicing the jury’. Instead, he is happy to share the wisdom of his experience, and may even live-tweet the trial, adding insights along the way such as “Amber Heard is lying” and “my girlfriend has left me again”.
He may even note his enjoyment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, because this is relevant.
The Squid had the privilege to speak to one such man, who wasn’t hard to come by – we just waited in a sports bar and shouted “Not All Men” until one came over. He was happy to answer our questions, provided we sent a male interviewer, and made disparaging comments about the waitress’s appearance in between drinks.
We asked him first what he felt the ruling represented.
“It’s a victory for male victims” he said. Pressed on whether he personally had done anything to help male victims before or since, he opted for the right to remain silent, adding that he wished Amber Heard had done the same.
As a budding expert on body language, our interviewee felt unconvinced by Amber Heard’s hysterical performance. He commented that he wasn’t sure why someone describing a multi-year cycle of abuse would relay it so emotionally, and that her talents as a ‘3rd-rate’ actress might lie behind her dramatic testimony. Johnny Depp, he insists, would never lie to a jury, as he has a “god-given talent for acting that sets him apart from the normal follies of the human race”. Referencing Depp’s star turn as a chocolate-loving factory owner, he added “Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is the man who made this little boy fall in love with the power of imagination. He wouldn’t hit a woman”. We did not point out that the song ‘Imagination’ was in the Gene Wilder version of the chocolate-based film.
As one of Twitter’s most engaged commentators, we were hopeful that when we asked him to explain the basis of the trial, he might be able to oblige. We were disappointed. On the question of ‘defining defamation’ we didn’t receive a definitive answer, nor on the question of ‘does this trial mean the beginning of gagging victims?’ or ‘should Evan Rachel Wood be worried too?’. He did say, in summary though, that the ruling “sets a precedent”. We agree.
We asked whether any of his female friends had been the victims of domestic or sexual abuse. He explained that although he doesn’t class any women he knows as ‘friends’, he does know some women as acquaintances, and few of them have made allegations, where there has been a clear financial or career-based incentive. We asked whether any of his friends had been victims of rape. He explained that none of them had personally told him, therefore he felt it unlikely.
“Should we believe women?” we asked. He didn’t answer, and punched a table.
In other news, Disney have announced a new ride to be opened in the autumn – an immersive motion simulator called ‘The Wife Beater’.
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More as we get it.
