The news today that the police have dropped their investigation into the Tory MP accused of rape was met by surprise, by everyone apart from politicians, police officers, court judiciaries, lawyers, and all women. 

The MP stands accused of assaulting a junior staffer on four separate occasions, an accusation he denies. The fact that “Mark Francois” was also trending on Twitter is apparently completely unrelated. 

Some commentators have observed that the case has received a disproportionately unfair amount of media attention, especially as the press take sexual assault so seriously – with the Daily Mail’s front page headline of “Naughty Tory” really articulating the gravity of the situation when fellow Conservative MP Charlie Elphicke was jailed for two years for sexual assault. 

Fortunately, luck (and statistics) have been on the anonymous MP’s side – as he now joins the 94.3% of reported perpetrators who are never convicted. 

In the interests of parity, The Squid editorial team have been asked to note that accusations of sexual assault are not unique to the Conservative Party, and due mention should go to Alex Salmond of the SNP, who was cleared of sexually assaulting 10 women, including a fellow SNP politician, in March of this year. It is unclear why, with this culture, only 15% of women who experience sexual assault feel comfortable coming forward. 

Tory MPs are thought to be screening a Roman Polanski marathon at the Conservative HQ in celebration of today’s news.