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Press Conference: Trump steps in to defend votes-by-male

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In a rambling eleventh-hour news conference on the unfolding 2020 election, US President Donald Trump has appeared to distance himself from earlier comments on early voting. 

Following a rambling news conference on election law, followed more avidly by Rudy Giuliani than the curvature of Borat’s daughter, Trump was prompted by a reporter about his current stance on mail-in-voting.

“I support votes by male, of course I do. I would feel terrible if my great man friends couldn’t vote. There’s Mike Pence, there’s Chris Christie, there’s Jeffrey… They really are the manliest. Obviously there are drawbacks. There’s Jeb Bush, who I guess technically counts as male when voting. He has very beautiful hands. Very clean. But I guess he is a male-in-voter.” 

Trump added: “I should make it clear, although I myself have handed in male-in ballots in the past, I have never been *in* a male in that sense. In the sense of the Old Testament. It’s very important for me to say this. You’ll hear a lot of rumours in my second term but they’re all false, Democratic lies.”

Trump has even floated the idea of a commission to investigate female-in-voting: 

“Let us not forget that this has been the year of the woman Republican. Ivanka will probably be angry at me for saying this 4 years early, but it’s true. You’ve seen First Wave feminists, Second Wave feminists, well, now there’s a third kind: Red Wave feminists.”

When gestured by handlers to stay on message, Trump added a commentary on the Democrats and their attempts to steal the election:

“We were doing fantastically well in Wisconsin in 2016, and that was when the President was a man named Bill Clinton. Back then, he had this intern, and this intern was a young girl. A very pretty young girl called Hunter Biden. And she was married to a Ukranian man completely against her will. And we all know what happened next.” 

In the meantime, the world watches as results trickle in for the 2020 election, where a country that once led the world (48th place) for adult literacy, picks between one man who struggles to read “Barack” from a teleprompter and another who struggles to read “Proud Boys” from a pile of post-it notes.

More to follow…