Oasis secondary frontman Liam Gallagher has been taken in for emergency surgery after masturbating directly into a rare solar event, itself likened to the eclipse of Gallagher’s own solo career by his brother, Noel.
Few details have been confirmed about the painful event, other than the fact that Gallagher was surrounded by close family members and attending an anti-lunar march.
Public health officials have cautioned against this behaviour, with a spokesperson from Pubic Health England (an offshoot of Public Health England) remarking that “you wouldn’t look directly at the sun, and neither should the eye of the snake.” Our researchers have taken “snake”, in this case, to be a euphemism for “penis”.
The news was broken by Gallagher’s agent, known only as “the bloke from around the back of the pub who’s trying to sell you his anti-depressants”. He noted that Gallagher has been in good spirits despite the accident, and that the singer has privately remarked that “it’s still in better fucking shape than Noel’s.”
Gallagher has been stoic in the face of a month-long penile surgery, tweeting: “C’mon now have seen worse than this Little Liam survived the 90s he’s bigger than the fucking sun and he’ll be back bigger and [redacted by the editor] than ever before as you were LG x”.
