Ever since lockdown came in, the new rules on sex have been more restrictive than my all-girls Catholic boarding school. BJ’s banned BJs, and we’re all struggling. Consequently, as a service to the community, I thought I’d share some of the saucy techniques and messages that have saved my relationship over lockdown. No need to credit me if you want to use any of the below!
- “Choke me”. In ordinary times, “choke me” (or its variants, “choke me daddy”, “choke me papa”, and “choke me please mister!”) might be associated with kink. Now there’s a coronavirus pandemic, “choke me” isn’t so much an instruction, as a present reality for those with respiratory conditions. Add this into your sexts if you want to inject an element of politics into the discourse – after all, what’s sexier than keeping up to date with current affairs.
- “So fucking big” is not only derivative, it’s also very Pornhub 2012 – “exponential” shows a better vocabulary, and an awareness of graphs. Your beau will be more attracted to you if they think you’ve been watching the press conferences – and you can put the ‘Witty’ into ‘Chris Whitty’
- Before corona, gimp masks were seen as a specialist fetish gear. Now, wearing a gimp mask is a responsible way of protecting yourself and others. Try a gas mask if you have asthma and want even better protection, or if a gimp mask isn’t cutting it for you any more now mask play has gone mainstream.
- If he suggests using a condom and you don’t particularly want to, suggest herd immunity. If you get gonorrhoea, you get gonorrhoea, and it’s unlikely that 200,000 people will die. The same applies to pubic lice if you’re a feminist who disagrees with waxing (I think that was second wave?).
- Now that stockpiling is back, food play is out of the equation – it’s a waste of community resources. A way around this might be to combine food play with normal sex – after all, there are 7g of protein in the average teaspoon of semen – and if stockpiling leads to a shortage in food supplies, this could be a good way to boost your immune system.
Hope that helps! Let me know in the comments if you enjoyed it – we might make this a regular feature. Clam x
