If this press conference makes you want to gouge your own eyes out even more than the current reboot of Spitting Image, consider playing along with The Squid’s very-own carefully-curated drinking game: Press Nonceference.
- Drink two fingers if: Boris is more than ten minutes late. That way, you’ll be too busy refilling your glass to have to read all the pre-prepared jokes on Twitter about how he’s late because he’s taking yet another paternity test / putting the batteries back in Dominic Cummings / some nonsense about a National Trust property /insert another hackneyed cliché here.
- Drink three fingers if: Boris denies that the extension of the furlough scheme until March is based on projections about how long the new restrictions might last, before outsourcing the question to one of his scientific advisors. Drink four if the same scientific advisor looks like they might have to imminently check in to the Priory, and drink five if that advisor is Chris Whitty.
- Take a shot if: one of the questions from the public comes from either a woman with a strong regional accent, or an ethnic minority, whose name Boris proceeds to repeat disproportionately. Take a bonus shot if the cameraman messes up, and pans round to display the autocue screen, clearly telling Boris what their name is, and down your drink if there’s a phonetic pronunciation guide.
- Waterfall if: Laura Kuenssberg asks a question that’s clearly been intended to look critical, in response to the accusations against her of pro-conservative bias. Keep drinking until she’s finished superficially rebutting, and only stop if she says something that isn’t basically obvious.
- Bonus round: Snog, Marry, Avoid. As there are 3 podiums at the press conference, instil some discourse in your living room by starting a debate on which of the speakers would be best in bed. Drink bleach if anyone says Dido Harding.
